Why would anyone seek to fall, to be crushed? And how could any living soul seek the face of death? Can life really bring about anything as ugly as death?  Could death ever produce something so sustaining as eternal life?

     My radio droned on while I lay in bed, miserable.  It was May 10, 2002.  I had a sore throat and was feeling generally sick, which was why I had been listening to program after program on our local Christian radio station.  I needed some kind of diversion, and this was actually pretty interesting.  Of course, I would have much rather been outside doing something more fun on this sunny afternoon.  I was a restless 12-year-old and I wanted to be out running around.  Now, as I look back on that day, I’m thankful that I was lying there on my bed, half-bored, with time to think about many things, including my life over the years.

     I grew up in a home where both of my parents and most of my siblings were Christians.  I had heard more than enough Scripture (I thought) and I was quite familiar with the story of the Gospel.  I had often heard “The Sinner’s Prayer” repeated in church, on the radio, or wherever else.  In fact, I prayed that prayer several times as a little child—not because I wanted to follow Christ, but because I didn’t want to go to hell.  I had an intense fear of hell and being rejected by God.  However intense that fear was, though, my proud and selfish heart was stronger and more controlling.  I hated the very ideas of surrender, submission, and humility.  I loved living for myself and much of the sin I was involved in seemed like just the best fun I had ever had in my life.  It was something I just wouldn’t give up—for anyone or anything.  But, as happy as I often thought I was, I knew I was still lacking something significant in my life, and, I did not trust God enough to make Him my Lord or enough to give Him all of me.  I tried to do things right, but I always failed.  Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.”  That truth became clearer to me: I knew I was a sinner, and as I reached my preteen years, I began to grow sick of sin.

     Since I was about six years old, I had been obsessed with a kid I had met at my church. I hardly saw him at all, but he consumed my thoughts, dreams, and imaginations—essentially my whole world.  This was my god, my comfort, my personal idol.  It was something I never considered would leave my life and I never realized just how much of m life it filled…until that night in October 2001 when God called me away from it.  I remember God’s tugging on my heart as I struggled through my chores out with our animals.  Rain poured down, mud splashed—I was slipping and sliding as I hurried through my chores, but inside my head and heart there was a fierce battle being waged.  That night, a question struck me: what would life be like if you didn’t [have feelings for] him?  It shocked me, and it also convicted me, because I began to wonder about it, and as God began pulling at my heart, I knew He was calling me, asking me, to leave this obsession behind for Him.  Yikes!   I wasn’t ready for this!  Yet, in my heart, I knew this was something I had to give up for God.  I had to say goodbye to those years of fantasy, dreams, envy, and lust.  The question playing over and over in my head was this:  Will you choose God or him?  I don’t know why, but it was scary, yet God’s call was so strong!  I finished my chores and rushed inside so I could think alone.  Inside my bedroom, I sat against the door with tears streaming down my face as I thought, and then, finally, prayed.  I said yes to God. I asked him to take away all of the wrong feelings if He wanted to, and as I thought about whether I would choose God or the other kid, I came to a decision.  I would choose God to rule my life no matter what the cost.  So, I gave up my feelings for that kid.  I had never hurt so much emotionally before.  It was like something that had grown deep inside of me over the years had been yanked out by its roots.  But as I cried, I knew something life-changing was happening inside of me.

     After that night, I felt very empty.  What had occupied my head and heart had been removed and destroyed, and now I felt especially light and free.  But it did get a little boring, and once I almost wished I could have all those feelings back again.  But, when I tried to relent and let them come back again, I discovered to my utter delight they were literally gone!  God had removed them for good—my obsession with Sam (not his real name) never returned, and those feelings never again filled my life.  So, that was probably my first huge sacrifice for God.  Little did I know how many more sacrifices would follow in the next few months.

     Life was different after that night, and much more enjoyable.  I gave up a few more things for God and tried to live a better life.  But even though I had given up some things for Him, I didn’t really surrender myself fully to the Lord until that day in May, lying in bed sick.  Before that day, I had just given up a second crush on a different guy.  This one had also hurt a lot and I was frustrated this time.  My sickness made things worse.  And, the whole time, nagging at the back of my mind was another question: I had given God a few things in my life….but what if I were to give Him everything?  What if I were to hold nothing back?

     What if I were to give Him my pride, my arrogance, my selfishness, my will, my mind, my heart, my anger…what if I were to give Him the things I had never shared with anyone?  What if I were to “die” to everything I had ever wanted or dreamed?

     What if I were to give Him complete control?  I thought about different people around me that I knew well—Christians that were real, not fake, not hypocrites.  I thought of several people who went beyond this world’s standard of morality and did what was right even if they were treated unfairly.  They were humble and didn’t fight back when others insulted them or treated them unkindly.  Such selflessness was unthinkable to me.  I had always lived for myself.  If I thought something would be unfair to me, I would have nothing to do with it.  I always placed my needs and wants above those around me—I was scared of doing otherwise.  But, then, those other people—the authentic Christians—were happier, more joyful, and more peaceful—they had what I wanted.  So, after a lot of thought, I finally came to a decision: I would give my entire life to Christ; I wanted to live like those Christians that were real—I wanted to be real, and I wanted to give up my will—my rights—to serve the Lord.  So, I took a deep breath….and I prayed probably a very original prayer. J  I told God I wanted to finally say “yes” to Him, and follow and obey Him.  I wanted to give Him complete control of my life, turning away from sin and following Him.  I believed in Christ, and I wanted Him to be in my heart, to be my Lord.  I thanked Him, and I told Him I wanted to follow Him for the rest of my life.

     I remember the days following May 10.  At first, there seemed to be little change—I still made mistakes and didn’t feel very different.  I was still sick and had a horrible time of it.  (I’m so glad that our salvation, our walk with Christ, isn’t dependent on feeling!)  I did eventually get better, and I noticed that inexpressible joy began to fill my life.  I began to try to live for God and the Lord helped me. I began to see little things in my life that I knew had to change, and so I worked on them.  The more of my sinful ways that I gave up for Christ, the happier I became.  And, the more I grew in the Lord, the more imperfections I saw in my life.  There were people I had never forgiven and there were sinful habits I wanted to keep but knew I shouldn’t.  There were things in my past that I had to get rid of.  So, with the Lord’s help, I dealt with one thing after another.  I remember some things I really struggled with, like forgiving certain people that had wronged me.  But, every time I let go of bitterness, the Lord gave me more joy and peace.  There were so many things to deal with!  I began, in a sense, to clean up my life.  I threw out old un-sent notes I had written different people—notes I don’t want to remember.  I began to do things from a different perspective.  I don’t remember everything I did, but I loved the freedom I felt.  God changed my entire life.  He helped me to do things I’d never thought I’d do—even little things like not arguing or complaining when I’d not been able to resist.  I’m not saying I’m perfect—I’m still in the process of becoming more like Christ.  But, I saw many things change in my life that I always thought would never change.

     For me, that day in May was the beginning of a great journey: following Christ.  I discovered that following Christ was indescribably wonderful; yet, at the same time, I learned that following Christ requires death.  God asked me to die to my selfishness, my sinful desires, and my self-righteous arrogance.  As a believer, I was no longer a slave to sin but a slave to Christ, and I was not to live as I used to live as an unbeliever.  Instead, I was to “die” to sin and to live according to God’s Word, through the Holy Spirit.  This is what is meant by dying.  I think it’s the apostle Paul that makes it very clear to us that we cannot both walk in the Spirit and live according to the flesh at the same time.  Either my life is governed by what I want to do or my life is governed by what God wants me to do.  I had a choice to make: Would I serve God?  Or, would I serve myself (or some other thing)?  God offers us all a chance to die—day after day we are to reinforce the death of our fleshly nature.  We are called to walk in the Spirit, to be re-born, to live life eternal—not for ourselves but for God.  This life of following Christ calls for loyalty to our Master and Lord.  We must place him above anything else, even other people.  Relentless devotion to our King requires sacrifice.  It is an uphill battle and it is hard.  But, living for Christ is definitely worth the struggle.

     See, I don’t regret giving my life to Christ.  I don’t regret giving up my desires for His.  My limited imagination can only dream and plan so much for my life—God’s wonderful plans for me are greater than I can imagine!  I now realize that if I could have lived out everything I had planned for my life I would probably have been miserable, and any pleasure it might have given me would have been over in a moment.  But the Lord’s Ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts much higher than mine.  He knows things about my life that I have never figured out.  And Life through Christ is, indeed, life—life abundant.  But, such a life of joy requires death to sin and sinful human nature, and so I must “die” in order to live such a life as God desires for me.  I must relinquish control so that the Lord can rule my life more fully.

     There have been times in my Christian life when I haven’t always felt so righteous.  There have been moments when I didn’t feel all that great.  But, God has been faithful and He has been with me through everything.  As a Christian living in a sinful world, I know that life will not always be easy.  In fact, life is hard as a Christian and it will get harder.  But I would not go back—ever—to the life that I once lived before I knew Christ as Savior and Lord.  It held nothing but darkness for me.  Now I realize that a life without Christ cannot compare this life I have been given now—I could never describe how wonderful this life with Christ is.  It awes me to know that I have been shown such grace and love.  And it thrills me to know that so much more is in store for me as I continue to live for the Lord.  I realize now that on that night in October 2001, and then later on that afternoon in May, the Lord was offering me something tremendous: a chance to die, yes, but not only a chance for me to die.  He was also offering me what He offers every human being—a most glorious chance to live.